Blood Moon Blues

Silhouette of couple kissing under full moon. Guy kiss girl hand on full moon silhouette background. Valentine`s day decor concept. Silhouette of loving couple kissing against the moon

Photo Credit zeferli 123rf.com

This morning I find myself unable to sleep sipping cold water and listening to Ambrosia (The anthology) with the song “How Much I Feel” on inescapably on repeat. Inescapably….Like the song, that word is binding me. I can’t escape my Blood Moon Sunday 2019 experiences. Not the physical ones, the emotional ones and, their psychological effects.

 

Unlike everyone else, I had no desire to view the Blood Moon. I was back in South Florida visiting friends and really didn’t and don’t understand the excitement behind it.  But, I felt it. Yes, I know I’m rambling. I’m getting there….wait for it.

One particular friend I was overly excited to spend time with. We dated while I lived in Florida. We argued and disagreed while I lived in Florida. And, I closed him out and added his headstone to the already overcrowded backyard in my memory (Short story; I’ll write about it on a later date. Just know my cutoff game is swift). Still there was something in the air it seemed, calling my soul to see him this weekend.  And our schedules managed to sync on Blood Moon Sunday 2019.

Now, let me clarify something. I’m single, There are some men from my past I prefer not to entertain for any reason what so ever. But not this one. I can’t shake him from my Spirit. I need to see him each and every time I visit S. Florida. I can’t even try to explain why because there were so many discrepancies in our situation that I can’t even define it as a relationship.  As far as I know, my friend is single. I haven’t asked. I don’t want to give him a reason to lie to me. Lies are the deal breaker with me. As the saying goes, “scratch a liar, catch a thief…”. Even the simplest lie will have me questioning everything you say to me from that point on.  Trust ain’t an easy thang….

“I don’t know how
This whole business started
Of you thinkin’ that
I had been untrue”

Late Sunday evening the air was cool and thick in Fort Lauderdale. From the moment he let me know he was on his way to see me it felt like I was inhaling and exhaling ice cold fresh milk. At the same time I was sweating. Not profusely. Just slightly, across the forehead.  My body temperature was rising. Gone was my normally cool composure. I was excited. And like the Pointer Sisters so energetically put it “I’m about to lose control and I think I like it, I’m so excited . And I just can’t hide it.”.  At this moment is the only way I could explain what I was feeling. But, as I write this, it’s Ambrosia and, “How Much I Feel”, supplying the fuel for my curren’t unorganized thoughts.

Me and my music. My music and me. It controls me, it consumes me, engulfs me…The Music in Me...

“Oh no, I’d give it all and
Then I’d, give some more
If you would only love me
Like you had before”

When he finally arrived I was able to pull myself together and feign a bit of composure.  I didn’t immediately jump his bones (the thought was there intertwined with the sweat condensing on my forehead).  I managed a well controlled hug. Then it happened. I felt the moon being overshadowed by the earth. The air was so thick. My friend, slowly, gently, almost innocently kissed my sweaty forehead then my lips before pulling from our embrace.  Two days later the air is still thick.  And, I am not in control of my emotions.

“Oh, take hold of my hand
And all will be forgiven…”

silhouette couple in fashionable clothes on a shiny background

Photo Credit Ruslan Grigoriev and 123rf.com

The kisses didn’t stop with the end of our embrace. My friend showered me with kisses in between conversation and ummm, congress and well after, until I felt myself falling asleep.  Can you imagine the intensity of being softly kissed to sleep? Before Blood Moon Sunday 2019, I couldn’t. Now I can’t shake it and I am not used to not being in control. I can’t sleep. So, I listen to music and, I write….

“Oh no, there’s just something
That I got to say
Sometimes when we make love
I still can see your face
Ooh, just try to recall
When we were as one, yeah”

He missed me. I missed him. We missed us. The Blood Moon and it magnetic forces were in control, consuming us. And now I am believer. Although, I still don’t know what to do about the plethora of intense emotions left in its wake.

I have a 6:30am flight in a few hours back to my grandchildren in Virginia.  I’ll have plenty of time to think about what I will say to him during our next phone call. And, hopefully, the power of the Blood Moon will still have a strong hold over us when I come back to visit next month. Power strong enough to last until the next Blood Moon. Those  moments had intensity I need to relive over and over again because, I never want to forget.

“That’s how much I feel
Feel for you baby
How much I need
I need your touch
How much I live
I live for your lovin’
That’s how much
That’s how much
That’s how much
That’s how much…”

Goodnight. ~The1Essence

http://www.The1Essence.com   www.The1EssenceRadio.com  ww.ordinarywomanmemoirs.com

 

 

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Electricity Junkie

bulb close up electricity energy
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I woke up this morning to an ice cold apartment. The power was off! And, I was officially a part of the storm of the century that has taken over the awareness of the east coast in the past 36 hours. No power = no heat and ultimately, no fun. No lap top, no mp3 player, no stereo, no television. All I could do was read. So, I picked up a book and tried to entertain myself. Or should I say distract myself from the fact that there were limitations placed on what I could do verses what I wanted to do, and when I wanted to do it.

I didn’t realize how much I depended on electricity to escape constant boredom. In fact, I often criticized my children for not being able to entertain themselves during brief power outages in the past. “Read a book”, I would tell them.

Even as early as yesterday, after watching the local and regional news, I ridiculed the masses for behaving in what I thought was a ridiculous, panic stricken madness by mobbing grocery, and liquor stores; leaving shelves empty of basic food items that “I” thought should have already been stocked in a home.

Karma isn’t as complex as some would like it to seem…and I just had a dose of it disguised as a “reality check”. Hello, my name is The1Essence, and I am an electricity junkie.

My book reading lasted all of 30 minutes before hunger pains reminded me to eat. I had planned a nice warm breakfast of French toast this morning but, even though I have a gas stove and could bypass the electric pilot light with a simple match, the kitchen was dark.

With no windows in the kitchen to provide natural light, I was forced to light candles to see what I was doing. That didn’t last long. I abandoned the French toast idea out of sure frustration. Not because I couldn’t complete my task but, because I didn’t want to without any light from the overhead fixture. Panic began to set in as I wondered if the power company knew the electricity was out in this area.

snowy pathway surrounded by bare tree
Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

I looked out of the window, scanning the apartment complex to see if it was just my power that was out (paranoia is one symptom of addiction). I was relieved when I saw that others had opened blinds and curtains to let some natural light in. But, I called the Dominion Power anyway. I had to know the “estimated” time of power restoration. The hotline said power should be restored in my area by 5pm; it was now 8:45am. What in the world I do until then? And, what “if” the power was not back on by then? And most importantly, the three pints of Ben & Jerry’s (pistachio and two pints of Berried Treasure) would definitely be reduced to a soupy mess by then! Panic was taking over…I need my “fix” of electricity and I had made up my mind! I was going to find a hotel.

To do that I had to shovel my truck from under 20 inches of snow. I bundled up in my Packer coat, baseball cap and grabbed the shovel, being mindful to remember my cell phone so I could charge it in the car while I cleaned it.

The snow was wet and heavy, unlike the snow from a few weeks ago that was light and fluffy. I had a time moving it! I’m not exactly a “little” woman but, I am not the most athletic. Plus, underneath 19 inch of snow was an inch of ice. So, I had to remove the snow in layers then chop the ice underneath to clear a path around and behind the truck. Then it was time to clear the snow off of the truck! An hour and a half later I was an exhausted, overheated, sweaty mess! But, armed with a fully charged cell phone I was still completed motivated to find a hotel. Inside, the power was still off. But, I couldn’t just pack and run out of the house. My clothes were soaked from sweat so, I had to shower first.

I showered until the hot water ran out then jumped in a pair of sweats and my Wisconsin hooded sweat shirt, threw a few personal items in an overnight bag, packed my lap top and mp3 player, their respective chargers and a few DVDs and prepared to put my four wheel drive to use when the phone rang. It was the “Best Cousin in the World”, Lisa.

Lisa’s mom had a couple of questions for me regarding tax preparation. I informed Lisa of my circumstance and took a tongue lashing from her mom who felt the weather in Virginia was just as bad as in Wisconsin so I might as well just pack up and move back where if “something” happened I would have family near.

“I can’t”, I quipped, “the airports are closed as well as the highways”!

Before she could render me speechless for being a smart ass, the power popped on! All I did for the next five minutes was scream “Thank you Jesus”! Oh, and I accidentally hung up on Lisa.

Next, I ran to the fridge to check on my Ben & Jerry’s. It was fine! I grabbed a spoon and devoured the entire pint of pistachio! I even had the nerve to wrap myself in a blanket while eating it, with the heat blasting in the background, and I settled myself down to enjoy an afternoon of vampire movies! Geeezzzeee, the things we take for granted!

I watched Twilight and the first Underworld movie when I decided that it was time for that French toast. I had just dropped the toast into the skillet when as fate would have it the lights flickered and the power went out again! Luckily for me the stove is gas powered! I scrambled around for candles and saved the toast. Since it was still light outside, I grabbed the book I tried to read earlier and settled my nerves by thinking it wouldn’t be long until the power came back on. Five hours later it was still off and I was going through withdrawals! My cell battery was low, my lap top was battery was dead and I was starting to shiver! I pulled together some blankets and bedded down on the couch preparing for a restless sleep.

Just as I drifted off I heard the furnace click on and then fire up! After six long hours without electricity I was once again with power! Now, I’m turning everything off (except the heat) and going to bed. It’s been a long day for this self proclaimed “electricity junkie”!

orange cat sleeping on white bed
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Breathless…

 

Yesterday was my first day with nothing to do.

I thought I would write. But, I didn’t. I just knew all the words I have been holding in would gush out through my fingers. But, they didn’t.

I sat around the house, made a few phone calls, sent a few text, made a few Facebook posts. Nothing of substance beyond a much needed well deserved vegetative trance.

Then, a song popped into my head. I stopped breathing for just a moment. The rush of feelings accompanied by an overwhelming urge to breathe overcame me. I didn’t breathe. I didn’t exhale. I wanted to hold all those memories in and not share with anyone. I wanted to bathe in them with hopes they would send me back to those memories. Back to those good and bad times. Back to when life still smelled like fresh cut grass and sweet clover. Back to when the headlights of my mother’s car made the snow look like an endless a field of diamonds. I held my breath to hold in the sweetness. To hold in the love.

The song and the woman’s voice transfixed me. The sound of an angel bypassing my ears and speaking to my heart. I stared out the window, pinning myself to the window frame so no air could escape past me into the wind making my love disappear back to the past, never to be smelled, never to be felt again.

I needed to hear the song coming through the speakers on my laptop. So, I allowed myself to take and release sips of air while I searched. My mind was in overdrive trying to hold on to the memories and find the song.  I found it on youtube. I took a few more sips of air and let a few more out.

I found a video taped performance not just the song with the words scrolling up the screen, to bore me, clicked the play button and inhaled like I was smoking a freshly lit Newport.

I glanced at the performers hair and clothing. Their attire adding to the aroma. I filled my lungs with the 70’s closed my eyes and exhaled a field of sweet clover.

Summertime in the 70’s as a child flowed out my nostrils. Long car rides  at night with my mom. Pringles with my cousin on the porch of my Grandmother’s 7th and Greenbay Ave., home in Milwaukee, I-43 not more than 50 feet away, humming with happy adults coming and going. Living……

I was a child again, still innocent. Bouncing to Antioch Missionary Baptist Church on 20th and Atkinson to fellowship with my entire family. Back to when my biggest worry was if Grandmother would buy me a cheeseburger and fries from McDonalds. Yeast from the bread factory filled the air around the Hillside Projects where my Great Grandmother lived. Grass was green without sod and people loved each other. The song proved this. Nothing so perfect could come from a negative era in history.

Songbird…

I exhaled then inhaled a songbird. I was engulfed with a simpler way of life. I was so innocent. I didn’t know anything about racism. In my world Christian’s didn’t hate. Jim Jones was pure evil still, people eventually found a way to forgive him.  Terror was my Mom picking me up from Grandmother’s house before I could inhale more fun. This melody, now playing in my head, heart and mind filled me with love and once again I was innocent. And Alive….And happy.

The song was coming to an end. I wanted to hit repeat but I didn’t. I inhaled deeply once more then let the memories flow into the cool breeze, with complete understanding that all I had to do was push play again and I could go back….

I exhaled “Close To You”, by The Carpenters then sat down and wrote a blog about music….

http://www.The1Essence.com

http://www.The1EssenceRadio.com

Music in Me

I love music.  No. Really! I LOVE MUSIC. Anytype of music (lol). Well, except heavy metal. Well, maybe not ALL heavy metal. I guess the point is…Well, I guess you’ve figured it out. I love music.

Music seems to encompass me, engulf me, fill me up then jet out of the top of my head. Spraying all around me in a beautiful rainbow of colored crystals, that shatter as they hit the ground in magnificent, melodic sync, encompassing me, engulfing me, filling me up all over again.

I love music so much I branded and operate my own internet streaming radio station. I’m not bragging because it truly is a labor of love. It started as a Friday night get together for me and some of my facebook friends on Blog Talk Radio. I would upload some of my collection of classic soul music and play the songs on air while we all gathered in the chatroom and revealed in sharing memories the songs evoked.

((sigh))

Those were good times. Easy times. Until I found out you couldn’t play copyrighted music using that website. And, I was at risk of being sued or heavily fined. So, I found another site. Then the licensing for internet streaming radio took effect and I had to find yet a licensed server to broadcast on. The list of speed  bumps grew as my listening audience increased and the weekly format became a 24 hour a day internet streaming radio station. With less and less revealing in our special group going on and more individual listening sporadically became the norm.

My enjoyment of this special time with my friends turned into my estudious search for quality equipment, daily and weekly programing, searching for and finding talk show hosts, musical genre specific dj’s, mobile apps, branded website, making sure the broadcast clarity was perfect and adeptly licensed with the ever changing rules and all the real headaches of actually running a business in the red. Playtime was over. I wasn’t having much fun anymore. Running the station was work, and that was after I had worked a 9 to 5.  And, all my music loving friends began to give way to an international listening audience who didn’t care to interact with each other. They just wanted to hear good music.

But, I love music. So, I am the owner of an internet streaming radio station. I even started my own weekly talk show. “Let’s Talk Music with The1Essence”.  Where I would interview artist who had an new CD to promote or just wanted some “extra” exposure.  Now, THAT was amazing. I have interviewed STARS! People I would have never thought  of having a simple conversation with. My most exciting being R&B artist Glenn Jones!

I had a serious crush on him growing up! while everyone was still crushing on Michael Jackson I was listening to “grown folks” music. Glen Jones was IT for me!  I may not have known what the song meant as a teenager but as I played the cassette tape over and over again, I knew I was ready for someone  to “Show Me” what they had to do! Wheeew! I still get chills in unmentionable places when I hear that song. My co-host RM Green and I barely made it through that interview….

The most memorable one was the Performer Exquisite, Melba Moore. She was so elegant and graceful and wise. I learned a lot about the hard work those we admired so much in the music industry endure. It ain’t always pretty but it’s worth it!

But soon, even interviewing my most beloved Artists became a chore. I moved to South Florida and my entire world changed. Working my 9 to 5 was rough! And rough is definitely an understatement. So I stopped doing the weekly show. My bills didn’t pay themselves and I was still footing the bill for the station in it’s entirety so, work came first. The station went on but the show stopped. I am looking forward to hosting shows again after my retirement though.

I wish it was more of a cozy friendly environment again. I wish all those music loving FaceBook friends could get together again and chat it up over days gone by, giving new life to music seemingly tossed aside. Still the station plays on. The international audience is still growing. People are still listening. And, I still love music.

It evokes the most precious of  memories, motivates me, soothes me, swallows me whole.

It seems to encompass me, engulf me, fill me up then jet out of the top of my head. Spraying all around me in a beautiful rainbow of colored crystals, that shatter as they hit the ground in magnificent, melodic sync, encompassing me, engulfing me, filling me up all over again.

So, now I don’t just listen to it and play it on the station,  I occasionally write about it……Just don’t ask me to sing ((smile)).

~The1Essence

 

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Today I am 5 working days from retirement. Some say I am crazy for leaving my job at such an early age. Others say I that I have been through so much adversity in life that I deserve early retirement. I see it as one more journey in the ultimate lesson of life; learning how to LIVE.

Living is relative for each individual. I understand that. I hope as you join me on my journey you’ll keep that in mind as you read. None of us are exactly alike or handle individual situations quite the same. We must find our own way eventually without guidance.

So, beginning today, I will share with you my extraordinary ordinary transitions, thoughts, emotions and activities. For it is the ordinary woman who accomplishes the most extraordinary things simply because everyone assumes they are nothing but ordinary, boring experiences.

Thank you in advance for joining me!

Respectfully,

The1Essence

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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